In The Morning I Am Trapped By A Cat

My cat is laying on me. It is her favourite thing to do at this moment. She bleats plaintively at the closed door of the bedroom, like her life depends on coming through that door, until someone lets her in. Then she leaps up onto the bed and proceeds to stalk onto the nearest human, which is me. Well, really, she is only laying on me because ‘cushion human’ is not in the bed next to me, my wife is making coffee.

Once she is on you then there is a number of stages of laying. First is the settling in stomp, where she searches for the most comfortable part of you (usually the lower stomach) to lay on and then circles this part of your anatomy until the optimum position is found. Then she proceeds to pumping. For those of you who have never had a cat this peculiar action is when the cat kneads you with its front paws complete with claws, pushing its claws into your soft belly (thankfully covered by a thick doona), pulling them back with claws attached and repeating ad nauseum continually dribbling with the delight of it. I try very hard to discourage this stage, it is quite uncomfortable and it puts tiny holes in my doona covers. It can also be very disconcerting to have a wet patch on the doona from the dribble. The last stage is sleeping on you. She relaxes completely, stops pumping and usually curls into a ball on her side and flips her head into the upside down position. Purring then ensues.

At all stages of the laying, patting the cat can be fraught with danger. This cat only likes to be touched on the head and under the chin. The problem with this is that she has sleek, soft, black fur all over her and it is very tempting to pat all the way down her back. This can result in a sharp ‘mah’ and the sinking of teeth into your hand. Other patting dangers occur when you tap her paws to stop the pumping. You have to be quick or you could end up with her claws in your hand. This will certainly happen if you touch her on her stomach. Beware the flash of cat belly, it is not an invitation to feel the soft, fluffy fur, rather a trap for the foolish and unwary.

Ah, the coffee has arrived and my wife is slipping back into the bed. My cat abandons me and stalks onto her favourite cushion human. The process starts again and I am glad. It means I can reach my coffee without the possibility of disturbing the cat.

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