On The Public Examination Of Private Fears

Oh, I’ve let my daily write go a bit. I think it’s because I’ve had a relapse with the sciatica and I feel like I’m back to square one. Shooting pains, tingling leg and toes, rigid back, all stuff you’ve seen me moan about before.

I thought things were getting better. I thought that I was improving but one week where I’ve had to drive a lot to places rather than train it and having to sit for a long time in averagely comfortable chairs and I’m back to my post dog/chicken angst and pain levels. I’m trying stretches, gentle walking (when I can stand upright), immobility, anti-inflammatories, you name it, the arsenal is there.

I have been obsessing about this, ‘catastrophising’ my psychologist says. It’s hard not to. This is becoming a daily grind again. I am feeling myself slip back, lose control, become weak and I seem to be able to do nothing to prevent it. I can’t change jobs. I can’t reduce my driving. I can’t get myself well enough to build resilience in my body. It feels like a catastrophe to me.

Here we are, four paragraphs in and I’m back to the whinge. I’ve not asked you how you are, or if I have I’ve barely listened. I’m poking around my own head again, pulling out my fears and worries and examining them in public. I think this is why I’ve not been writing much this week, as I didn’t want to bore you all with my spiral. Ah well, it’s done now. Maybe tomorrow I can write about something else.

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