And so we have another hiatus; no apologies, no grovelling excuses, I’m just going to say it – it’s not you, it’s me. I’m a real commitment-phobe when it comes to writing. It’s a poor reason, I know, but I can only come to this conclusion as I made a promise to myself and you and then, here we are, months later, with me re-engaging with my writing having done nothing for months.
I said last time that I was writing a journal in earnest, well that turned out to be a great big lie. I am supposed to use the journal to explore my inner thoughts, conflicts and turmoils as I journey along a leadership program with a group of other community leaders. It’s been an abysmal failure. I have realised that I only write for myself when there is trouble – trouble in my life and trouble in my mind. The program has not really disrupted my equilibrium. Well, not in such a way as to make me take to the book. There has been some conflict but it is mostly me against the constricts of the program and there ain’t no journaling that will fix that. I must just shrug my shoulders and take what I can from the offerings.
I have written essays though; many, many essays. This has entailed much reading and thinking and immersion in the topic. Coupled with my work, my leadership program, my mentoring duties and trying to have a life, the essays have been passable. “Journalistic,” was one critique. I think that was meant to spur me to greater academic heights, I took it as a compliment and shrugged off the less than ideal mark. I passed, no one is really going to care, unless I want to go on to do a PhD (hahahahaha, are you serious?).
My novel? Have I progressed there? “What novel?”you say. Exactly, what novel. I have grandiose ideas. I may even have a passable story to tell. Have I written anything much lately? No, just tinkering around the edges. Is it a novel, a memoir, a short story, a confessional, a self-help book, an autobiography rich with personal detail? I don’t know! I’m in the research stage, checking out scenarios, possibilities, probabilities and reasons. I need to speak with family to round out some ideas but it’s proving to be difficult for me. Shame is a strong emotion.
I’ve made some other progress, though. I’ve been walking the dog most days until the awful weather set in, even Managed a quick one between the showers of today. I’m still not feeling very fit, so I went to the old swim/fitness centre with the new owners and I’m pleased to see that there have been marked improvements in the cleanliness. I might even get in the pool now and try to build some stamina and fitness.
All in all I’m doing ok. Might check in with you soon. No promises now, though. I could be writing the great Australian novel.m